Hocus lack of focus
So What’s Wrong?
Feels weird being apart of peoples’ universe and then suddenly not anymore
Revisiting blogging
Or maybe starting blogging? Scrolling through my tumblr, I’ve come to realise that I’ve never really done much writing, mostly just reblogging other peoples’ posts.
Maybe I might find writing cathartic or at least distracting?
Or if I’m finding writing about things too hard, I might just post some photos I’ve been taking
Reflection
Now that 1 week of my 2 week mid-year break has elapsed, I wanted to reflect on the last semester. It has truly been one of the most gruelling and challenging semesters that I have ever endured. I mean this, not in an academic sense, rather it has been emotionally and mentally challenging.
I entered a new course. Granted, the coursework itself wasn’t difficult, but the sheer amount was overwhelming - and to be able to keep up with everything and attempt to retain the knowledge has been taxing. It was extremely frustrating to me that I kept falling behind in making notes and that taking notes and re-listening to lectures just took too long.
During the semester, I had ceased watching TV, rehearsals had taken up my Monday and Wednesday nights and I would only get back around 10pm. Waking up at 6am most days was difficult and staying alert and focused in lectures was almost impossible. Coffee has been a double edged sword: It kept me awake but my it was not doing me any favours in terms of my financial situation.
However, the hardest thing was not seeing the same people that I saw almost everyday last year. At times communication has been non-existent. It’s been difficult. I sometimes found myself constantly checking my phone for message notifications - to the point where it was distracting me. Other times, I have persuaded myself to think that people just don’t want to talk to me or don’t like me. I think this might’ve contributed to my closed, withdrawn and introverted state. I mean, I barely talk to anyone, I don’t initiate conversations unless I know the person really well, and I can’t carry a conversation - it usually just ends in an awkward silence. Starting to think that I’m coming off as unapproachable, unfriendly and aloof. I’m just having a really hard time reconciling the fact that I’ve lost contact with some people that I really cared about.
I guess I also came to terms with my mortality multiple times this semester, through the content that we learnt - (so many diseases) but most of all through people I had known (May they rest in peace). It’s put a spin on my outlook on life. When I heard the news on each occasion, it caught me off guard. I mean - the last time I saw them, a few months ago, they were either healthy, happy, busy or just plain normal. It bugged me for days to weeks. Every time I see their picture and hear their voice through videos, I am just overcome with sadness and guilt. I know we’re not meant to dwell on the negatives and that we’re meant to celebrate their life and achievements - but I’m just having a difficult time with it and I don’t want to make it about myself at the same time.
I don’t feel socially and academically confident anymore. I’ve had many knock-backs so far… I overthink everything. I become obsessed, anxious and neurotic when I encounter a problem or when I think about people in general - I just can’t seem to let it go. I think it’s also starting to manifest itself physically - I’m getting dermatitis, I start uncontrollably scratching my face or head to the point where it becomes flaky, inflamed and starts to bleed. I don’t know how I got here and I don’t know how to go back to the way things were. I’m not enjoying myself. It feels like first year of undergraduate - I hated that year and it was reflected in my results, but hey - at least I got over it. Maybe last semester will be a form of motivation for me - let’s hope so.
dustmachine